Last July,
Ashley and I went on a trip with other friends.
Before leaving, I thought that Ashley was not an interesting person, so I
wasn’t really excited about the trip. However, that was a very big mistake. It
was so much fun being with her on the trip. First, we ate ramen together in the
airplane. We asked together to the stewardess to give some ramen. She gave us a
shin ramen quickly. It was so exciting because it was my first time eating
ramen in the airplane. My mother and father dont like eating ramen in the
airplane, so there was no way that I could eat my ramen. We also talked and
laughed in the plane. Next, it was so fun to share the same room with Ashley. We
knew more about each other such as how we sleep or our fashion, habits, and
also some secrets too. Lastly, we had a secret party, with two other friends.
During the party we all chatted as long as we could. It was so fun because I
have never done a party with my friends in a hotel where my parents are not
there. After the trip, I knew that going with Ashely more fun than I thought.
By Jay

You worked hard on this paragraph, and you have developed it well enough. There are still some repetitive phrases, but overall, this is much better than the first draft. Notice how you changed it - the process of editing. Great effort here Jay.
ReplyDelete